So it's been a while since I did this, and I think the reason is that I haven't felt like I have had something profound to say and that's what I think this is, a place to put down your thoughts so that others read them. Well there seems to be only one person that ever reads this and that was just by luck I think that she found this site. I haven't shared it with anyone else because I haven't felt like it was something worth sharing.

I feel like I have all these thoughts I want to get out of my head but when it comes time to actually writing them down it never comes out. I wanted to start writing for the therapy of it, to release the energy that I use up stressing about stuff but it seems like so much work to get it out there. Everything seems like too much work for me lately. How did I become so lazy? Then again I have never been one of those totally gung ho people that has to be on the go all the time. My favorite pastime is actaully sitting in a mall or bar watching the people go by. I had a friend in MN that would sit there with me and make up stories about their lives. Haven't quite found the right place for that, here, not to just sit and watch. The Mall of America was one of my favorite places for that.

That's all I got for today...while writing this I came up with a couple ideas, so maybe like once a week....

Da Dat Da Da....

Why are girls obsessed with getting married? How did it become that it was another one of those rites of passage that a woman want to get married? And why does it become sooo contagious...I have a little sister getting married soon, a bunch of friends that have recently and one that just got engaged last week. Now all I have on my mind is what I would like for my big day. I have been thinking (plotting, planning) of things that I want to make my day special and have a list a mile long. I have been with my boyfriend for over 5 years so we keep getting the "So when are you two getting married?" and actually have been for a couple years now. I thought I was likely to be the next one to be married seeing as I have been in a relationship longer then my next oldest cousin that is single, but my little sister is beating me to the punch.

I am in love with the whole idea of planning everything, planning it to be one great event that everyone will have a blast with. The up and down side to getting married after everyone is that I can see the things that didn't work out but then my ideas or colors have the chance of getting stolen before I have a chance to use them. I have started a list of who I want favors I like, cake designs (which I struggle with seeing as I don't like cake), dresses for me and for the girls. I have teased that I can have the whole wedding planned in a matter of 6 months all I need is the ring. Someone once mentioned that well why don't you just ask him to marry you if you think that you are ready for it, I guess I am still old fashioned enough to want the boy to ask me. And in my case, I asked him out so it's technically his turn to do the asking....

A Purpose

I was reading another blog the other day that started a thought process in my head. I have thought about this before but never got anywhere...haven't again so far so that's why I am putting this out there.

I have realized that each person has one innate talent that tends gives them a direction in life, some people are very annalytical so they become inspectors or accountants, some have amazing talents in the creativity of anything and everything they tend to become artists. I have struggled with what I am REALLY good at what my innate talent is, this could be why it took me so long to decide on a major in college and make any decision for that matter. I chose politics for the interest and the subjects intrigued me. I got out in the real world and realized that I wasn't talented enough to be ruthless and care about every single move I made could affect me down the road someday. Since the political field was what I had been striving for and working towards for three years I was stuck with what to do without it.

How does one realize what their purpose and innate talent that is to guide them throuhg life is. I feel I have alot of talents but not one specific on that has been able to guide me through everything. I pull on all the talents I have acquired...

Creativity - my mom taught me to be crafty and see things in how can I make them better and for cheaper.

Frugality/Spend-Thrifty-ness - I put on a budget at a young age and taught that money needs to last you as long as possible.

Organization - Again mom taught me that if I am organized I will be able to find things faster then if nothing has "it's own place". (Dreaded it at that young age but it has helped me work through tough spots in my life to go back to organizing everything..thoughts, money, etc.)

Strength/sounding board/listener - I have been that person that people turn to for advice and to be the person they lean on. Has also turned into a Mother Hen sort of character as well that I am the one that makes sure that everyone else is happy.

I don't know why this is bothering me but I have been thinking about it for some time and trying to figure out what I was put here for and the goals that I am to acheive in my time on this earth.

The Stress of it all...

I know that I am a very lucky girl having had 4 parents to help me out whenever I have needed any sort of help. And I wouldn't change that at all for the world, each of my 4 parents have helped mold me into the woman I am today.

What makes me think of this is that I had 4 parents and now am down to 2, the original two that brought me into this world. This is what I dreamed of as a little girl that my parents would be together again and we would be Krugers...well I don't think that's going to work out that way this time. I am still the missing link that connects these two people to each other, but I am now also the support system for them. I just lost my Stepdad, Jeff in the end of 2006, Mom's partner for almost 25 years. I am now the child keeping my parent's in line so that they don't come completely unglued. I knew that it would happen someday but I never thought I would only be 26 when it happened. Not that either one is a convalescent or anything like that but they are both without that supporter that has stood by their sides for 20 some odd years and now that person is gone.

I was talking to my cousin about it the other day and he mentioned that it's in our Kruger-nature to take care of our family even if it means that we get left out or forgotten, we are ones that will always and forever put Family FIRST. I have always felt that way but right now I feel pretty drained by the very thought of it. I have told people what has happened and they all say take care of yourself too while you are taking care of your Mom and Dad, but I don't know how to do that. My whole world seems to revolve around taking care of someone else other then me. The only thing that I can think of to console myself is buying something, and then when I think of that I think what the hell are you going to do with that in 6 months. Or it triggers something else, then there is a spa day or something like that and that conjures up thoughts of do I really have the money to be doing something like that?? That is too frivilous for my budget.

I know that I have an amazing groups of friends, as my parents do too to rely on but I don't know what to ask them to help me with, if I can't figure out what I want then, how am I supposed to ask for help with it?